


Transformed

by sunbeamsky



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, and the girls just continue living on the island bc it helps drive my plot, nobody dies in the shark attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:15:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28377579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbeamsky/pseuds/sunbeamsky
Summary: It's in the little moments, quiet and spontaneous and secluded, that Toni realizes just how in love with Shelby she truly is. And how much it's going to fucking hurt when it all ends.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 11
Kudos: 218





	Transformed

**Author's Note:**

> in this fic, nora hasn't been found out by leah yet and loosing a toe on a deserted island won't kill you because i say so.

**  
_I couldn’t utter my love when it counted  
Ah, but I’m sinking like a bird ‘bout it now  
I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted  
Ah, but I’m singing like a bird ‘bout it now._  
**

* * *

The rain was always louder on the island than it had been against Toni’s bedroom window. Colder too, much. A cold than ran so deeply as the days twisted together, the nights drawn with water droplets into her skin. She would sit knees to chest and press against Martha, against the only warmth she had ever known but it never felt like enough. It was mostly enough. Not on the island. 

When thunder cracked across the sky she could feel the ground beneath trembling, watched between wet lashes as the bolts of lightning devoured the gaps between the trees. 

Sometimes she dreamt of the night the tide dragged camp into the deep ocean and she could feel herself screaming. When she woke, it was nothing but silence, wind, and water. At home she would sweat after a nightmare but the island was always cold at night. Every day, though, she sweat. Minnesota never got hot like this. Nothing like this. 

It was usually Fatin, actually, who was there for it. Perhaps because she worked less than the others and was not consumed by her own ravenous exhaustion. More likely, the sand was nowhere near as comfortable as her California king bed. Toni wished it wasn’t Fatin. Fatin was so observant it was like she could actually read minds. Toni had always wondered if everyone around her could actually read minds and she was the lone wolf stuck in her own head. 

Fatin would turn onto her side and look Toni in the eyes, maybe even nod or smile. She never said anything or asked her to speak, to explain her fucked up dreams of staying on the island forever. Fatin never really talked much to Toni during the daytime either though so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. They were both too loud and strong to get along. But in the dark of night with the crinkling of a burning fire, it was comfortable to just look at each other. Fatin was just as comforting as she was infuriating. 

Shelby slept like a log. 

That’s how Martha had always been too. Toni would watch from the air mattress as Martha would flail and weep under her quilt for hours and hours until morning came and she rose as if it were just another day. It was always just another day. Martha carried her grief and trauma more gracefully than Toni knew possible. She admired Martha for that. Toni pulled hers in a little red wagon with a rusty wheel that caught on every tree root and stone. Some people called it a cry for help, but Martha always called it bravery. 

Shelby snored instead of screaming as she slept. It was endearing and louder than the wheels on Toni’s wagon. It made Fatin laugh and Rachel restless. 

“I don’t miss them,” Fatin whispered one night, a scream in the darkness. It startled Toni, but she wiped a dried teary spot of her cheek and tucked her hands under her cheek to listen to Fatin. “My parents.”

Toni had heard Fatin talk about her parents in fragments, always bitter and ashamed. Toni never asked because Toni hated being asked. Unlike Fatin, though, Toni also never brought it up. In elementary school, Martha had asked a few times, but by middle school she knew Toni well enough to leave it alone. Reagan had asked a lot. Toni had answered more than she ever would again. 

“I miss my mom,” Toni admitted, shocking herself with the confession and instantly bit down hard on her tongue so she wouldn’t keep going. 

“Tell me about her.”

Toni didn’t say a word, though a sick part of her wanted to spill everything out into the sand and tell Fatin all the scrambled-up thoughts and memories of burgundy nail polish and empty Jack Daniels bottles that create mounds under the snow in her front yard. It actually sort of looked like the sand on the beach if you squinted. 

“My mom’s a bitch,” Fatin said after she realized Toni wasn’t going to say anything more. Toni listened attentively. “Has been my whole life. And I had the nerve to feel sorry for her when my dad cheated on her.”

“Shit.”

“No, that’s not what’s fucked up about them.”

Toni would ask what it was that was _fucked up about them_ , but she knew Fatin would tell her regardless if she asked or not. 

“I found these photos, these disgusting messages, on his phone to some random woman that wasn’t my mom and she didn’t even give a fuck. She was pissed at me! She didn’t even bat a fucking eye.”

“That _is_ fucked up.”

“But my dad…” Fatin’s tone softened, shifted into dangerous territory and it made Toni’s entire body tense. “I loved him so much. He was my best friend in the entire world.”

Toni didn’t understand that. She had never had a dad, not even a relationship with Martha’s dad the way she had with Ms. Blackburn. Her life revolved around women like a soft green moss coating everything on land. Men were the ocean, and Toni didn’t want to dip her toes into the water. 

“I can’t even miss him and it physically hurts sometimes. Like, just a few weeks ago he was covering for me so I could sneak out to get laid and now he wants to send me to boarding school so they can sew up by vagina.”

“Gross,” Toni giggled, Fatin chuckling even though her brows were tight with rage. Toni got rage, that she understood to her core. 

“Does it make me pathetic if I don’t really want to get rescued?” Fatin sounded young, younger than Toni felt when the thunderstorms raged across the island. She shook her head. 

“Only as pathetic as me.”

“I mean, I wanna take a shower and get fucked, but I don’t really want to go home. I was,” she paused, tucking her hands under her head like she and Toni were at their first slumber party and sharing their secrets over microwave popcorn and late-night reruns of George Lopez and The Nanny. She inched closer and Toni inched closer too, missing the warmth of Martha but intrigued as to what else Fatin would share. “I was actually gonna run away, after the retreat. I gave my friend one of my dad’s Rolex’s so she’d buy me a ticket to Miami. I was gonna sunbathe and find like a chill roommate and maybe get like a turtle or a goldfish.”

“A goldfish?”

“I don’t know, my little brother loves those little pets and I thought maybe he would want to come visit me sometimes.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“I have two, actually. I miss them a whole fucking lot.” Fatin’s voice sounded thick, as if it was caught in her throat so she coughed, probably to keep herself from crying. 

“Do you have siblings?”

Toni shook her head. She didn’t want to talk, she just wanted to listen and escape. 

“Well, they’re the worst but they’re also the best. Like how the other girls are.”

“Who’s the worst and who’s the best?” Toni asked grinning. 

“Me, of course,” Fatin decided, laying a hand over her heart proudly. 

“The worst?”

“You dick. The best,” she laughed. “No, I mean how what we have here. This little family. I could kill all of you with my bare hands but like, I love you guys.”

“It’s gonna be hard to leave everybody,” Toni admitted, softly in a deep voice that felt like a cry that had broken through her heart and burst out of her chest. Fatin nodded, voice neutral but warm in the way Martha’s always was. Maybe it was love or hope or just sincerity, but it felt like an anchor. “To leave Shelby.”

“Toni, baby. I haven’t said anything to you yet, but I’m really happy for you guys.” Fatin reached out the narrow distance and grabbed gently onto Toni’s hand. It was more touch than Toni thought she wanted but it was gravity, pulling her entire body deeper into the sand like roots of a tree. It felt good. “I know she was like a huge dick at the beginning of all of this, but like, she doesn’t suck.”

“Well…”

“Fuck, that was _not_ an innuendo!”

They both giggled and it felt more like the sun was shining until the quiet overtook them once again and Fatin was being completely serious. 

“I’m really glad you have each other.”

“We all have each other,” Toni added quickly, hearing the yearning in Fatin’s voice. 

“I’ve been talking about me all night, Toni. We don’t need to keep my pity party going. We can just be happy for you.”

“Thanks, Fatin. For not telling anybody yet,” Toni responded, shifting the conversation as far from her instable emotional state as she could. “I think she wants to, she’s just not quite there yet.”

“Yeah, I see that.”

_I see you_ , is what it sounded like. A protective wave of love flooded through Toni in a way it only ever had for Martha. _Family_. 

“I’m scared, Fatin,” Toni confessed quietly and in pieces, a secret meant only for Fatin’s ears—not even the sand could hear this one. “What’s gonna happen when we get rescued? If. I mean, she’s gonna be alone.” 

_I’m gonna be all alone_. 

“Hey, hey,” Fatin whispered, squeezing Toni’s hand in her own. “Dot and I can get a three bedroom, it’s chill.”

“Fuck you!” Toni whined, shimmying her hand away from Fatin and swatting it away. 

“I’m serious,” Fatin cried—though it still sounded like teasing. “I’m serious, Toni. We all get like a giant house and we get to keep all of this,” she waved her hands around the lean-to, “without having to like starve to death and sleep outside.”

“Marty could come too. We’d need to get a four bedroom.”

Fatin grinned and Toni couldn’t stop herself from smiling. 

“You think Rachel and Nora will want to come?”

“We can put a pool in the backyard for Rachel. And if Rachel’s there, then Nora will be too.”

“Leah?”

“That one was a given.”

Fatin chuckled and shifted into a sitting position to throw another log on the fire as it threatened to dwindle down to an ember. 

“You should get some sleep, Toni. The sun’s gonna be rising soon.”

* * *

“I’m ready,” Shelby announced as she and Toni scoured the forest ground for good firewood and hopefully something to eat that didn’t require Martha to attack any animals. 

It had been a while since they had really eaten anything. Sometimes Toni dreamt of eating the Shark that took almost took Rachel—it didn’t, in the end. Gave her a run for her fucking money, and her left pinky toe, but nothing more. Nora had dragged her far enough up the shore where the shark was too big to swim. She had been screaming, had somehow been the only one screaming. Or maybe she was the only one who wasn’t screaming. 

Toni couldn’t remember much of what happened that day except Shelby pulling her by the hand up the beach where Rachel laid with a trail of blood that lead straight to that horrifying fin floating above the horizon line. Toni hadn’t gone near the ocean since. Not to swim or bathe or anything. Rachel had washed her feet in the fresh spring and Toni had goosebumps all over her skin. She would watch the water boil over the fire with bitterness in her teeth.

“You sure?” she asked Shelby, always needing to know that Shelby was comfortable. Toni’s first girlfriend had never done that for her and she needed— _needed_ —to give that to Shelby. She nodded. 

“Should we maybe tell Martha first, and then maybe tell the others all at once.”

“Yeah, I think that’s a really good plan.”

Shelby grinned and kissed Toni’s cheek. It was only when they bumped into each other than Toni realized Shelby had collected a plethora or twigs and logs while Toni still had nothing. 

“Fuck, where’d you find that?”

“Come on,” Shelby teased, tugging Toni along with her open hand. 

It never really felt real, being around Shelby. Maybe because nothing on the island felt real, or maybe it was because she had never met anybody who made Shelby feel like such a stupid, blushing, little girl. Which was more embarrassing and miraculous than anything Toni could think of. Her skin burned, sparkled, softened at the mere sight of Shelby sitting across the beach. And it was Shelby Goodkind of all people. If only she could put her in a bottle and stick her in the pocket of her winter coat, safe and secure and permanent. Well, only as permanent as a cold Minnesota winter. 

Sometimes Toni imagined introducing Shelby to all her friends at school. Imagined the two of them going to prom together or Shelby sitting in the stands of a basketball game as Toni made the winning shot. She felt so silly and stupid but it made her belly feel full. Shelby only talked of home when she explaining hunting terms or Bible passages. Toni wondered so much about Shelby’s pageant queen, Texas life. She wondered about everything Shelby is and was. 

Shelby dropped her hand when they came out of the forest and she dumped her timber haul down beside Nora, who was on fire duty. Leah, Dot, and Fatin were engaged in some sort of debate while Martha was drawing pictures with a stick in the sand. It was of her dance dress and it made Toni’s stomach churn. 

“Hey, Marty.”

“Oh, hi guys,” Martha smiled, looking up from the sand as her foot washed the slate clean. 

“Want to come and look for food with us?” Shelby asked, raising her brows and glancing between Martha and the other girls. 

“Sure. Yeah, I’ll come with you guys. Maybe we could get some more water too. I think we’re almost out,” Martha suggested, standing up and reaching for the empty water bottles. 

“Don’t dawdle if you’re going to the spring,” Dot chimed in, taking a break from her argument with Leah and Fatin. “The sun won’t be out for much longer and it’s a good walk there and back.”

“We know, Dottie,” Shelby groaned playfully. “But thanks for looking out for us. We’ll be quick as a mouse.”

“Isn’t the phrase, quiet as a mouse?” Fatin asked. 

“Mouse are both quiet and fast creatures,” Nora explained and Toni guided both girls away from the fire and camp and towards the path to fresh water. 

“So you two had enough of each other and needed a mediator?” Martha asked as they ducked around the bush Toni had once flung in Shelby’s face. She made the effort to make a production of holding it aside for Shelby. Shelby had the audacity to courtesy and Martha gave them a suspicious look. 

“Actually, Marty…” Toni trailed off, looking to Shelby to hand her the reigns to this one. Shelby gulped and nodded surely to Toni. Her eyes were sincere and filled with the shimmer of freshly fallen snow. She was ready. As if two weeks ago, she hadn’t been spitting homophobia around the fire and visibly cringing every time Toni was in her orbit. Toni wished she could reach out and take her hand to guide her through this. 

“I’m sorry, really fucking sorry for what I said,” Shelby started, stopping in her steps as the other two followed suit. “It was shitty and inexcusable and I hope you can forgive me.”

“Toni?” Martha asked, looking to her best friend with a still suspicious gaze. Toni shrugged, it wasn’t her apology to accept—she had forgiven Shelby a while ago. 

“I don’t need you to forgive me for that, I hope you will but I understand if you can’t,” Shelby continued, tucking a short piece of hair behind her ear before it bounced back out again. 

“And I owe you an apology too,” Toni added, seeing Martha’s confused expression at the entire encounter. “I haven’t been the friend you need. The sister you’ve always been to me. I’m sorry.” 

“Toni, I—”

“I’m gonna be better, Marty.”

“Look, guys. I’ve already forgiven you both.” She took a step between them and turned to meet their eyes. “We can put everything behind us. We will probably die here and so I really want to be friends until that day comes.”

“Marty, shit!”

Shelby reached out for Martha’s hand to keep her from walking further to the spring. Ever since that day with the goat, Martha had been very openly distant. It scared Toni to hear her talking about death. 

“We’re not going to die here.”

“We might not. But we probably will. And it’s okay. We’ll just be happy until we do.”

Martha had a way of sounding so sure and content, even when shouldering all of her trauma that mesmerized Toni, made her feel like Martha was some thousand-year-old tree with roots in every part of the earth, as if she had all the answers somehow. It’s what made her feel like magic. 

“Martha, please stop for a second,” Shelby asked, hand around Martha’s wrist. She stopped and looked up at Shelby with an expression Toni couldn’t read. 

“Are you alright? I mean, I know you’re not like _alright_ because we’re on a deserted island and we’re all starving and there’s like a giant storm cloud headed towards us and all but…” Shelby got quiet for a moment but Martha waited for her to finish her thought. “Are you okay, though?” It was soft, sweet, simple. 

Toni wished she was capable of that. 

“I’m just hungry,” Martha said, a tiny resolution perhaps or maybe just a coverup. Ever since their fight, Toni had felt a million miles away from Martha. 

Shelby looked desperately to Toni. _How could they make this moment about themselves when Martha was hurting?_ Toni wished she was like Dot or Nora, somebody who could always figure things out. She was helpless most of the time, screaming and scorning at the world in hopes of finding something to latch onto to keep herself afloat. 

“Maybe there’s finally some ripe berries by the spring,” Shelby suggested hopefully. Martha nodded and gave them both a small smile. She turned to start walking. 

“We can pick them all and bring them back to camp so everybody can eat them. It will be a feast,” Martha said quietly as she walked ahead. 

Shelby and Toni followed behind, Shelby reaching out to hold Toni’s hand. Gently. Firmly. Knowing how much it hurt Toni to watch her best friend in pain. Toni had always been the strong one, the protector, the one to reach out for Martha or Reagan’s hands. But Shelby held hers tightly and surely and it made Toni feel small. Not as much small, not in a bad way at least. The feeling was closer to behind held, to being safe. She squeezed Shelby’s hand back. Shelby had been so ready to come out, but she had looked out for Martha in the same way she continued to look out for Toni. 

It felt magical. 

Toni held tight.

* * *

It was Fatin’s idea to have a spa day. Which was an absolutely absurd idea all things considered and stemmed from the fact that her toothbrush ran out of battery. Toni wasn’t sure when she had gone soft— _not true, it had been the moment Shelby first kissed her_ —but at some point, she had agreed to let Fatin shave off her pit hair. 

“Shelby will love it,” Fatin teased and Toni gave her stomach a teasing shove. 

“Shelby doesn’t care if I have armpit hair and neither do I!”

“Please Toni, I’m so fucking bored,” Fatin whined. 

“What are you guys doing?” Rachel asked, sitting down beside them, hobbling to keep from putting too much weight on her left foot. 

“A spa day,” Fatin practically sung. “We’re going to shave and make perfume from berries and maybe even doing some exfoliating to get these pretty faces glowing again.”

Toni rolled her eyes. Rachel’s lit up. 

“Nora and I used to have spa nights together. I miss it.”

“Well, Rachy,” Fatin exclaimed, reaching out to stroke Rachel’s cheek. “We have enough sand for the three of us. Four?”

“No,” Rachel shook her head. “Nora won’t be up for it.”

“You sure?” Fatin asked gently. The two sisters had appeared to have gotten through their rough patch. The three looked over to where Nora and Leah were drawing something in Nora’s journal. The two had grown quite close recently and it had made Leah about a hundred times more bearable to be around. As if Nora’s presence calmed her the way Shelby’s did for Toni. The way Fatin did for just about everybody in her older-sister-like way. 

“So, what are you using to shave with? I don’t think my leg hair as ever been this long,” Rachel laughed, running her fingers across the skin of her legs. “I shaved every single day for swimming.”

“You ever wax?” Fatin asked, wordlessly answering her question by pulling the razor up so she could see. 

“Ow,” Toni grimaced at the thought. 

“When the hell did you find that?” Rachel shrieked, reaching out.

“It was in my suitcase!” Fatin defended, pulling the razor back and cradling it like a baby. 

“And you didn’t think to share?”

“This isn’t a commune.”

“It sort of is,” Toni commented but Fatin ignored it.

“So, you beg Toni to let you shave her legs but don’t want to ask somebody who might actually appreciate it?”

“I never said I didn’t want to shave my legs,” Toni defended and Fatin tossed the razor in Toni’s direction. She caught it and twirled the plastic between her middle and index fingers. “Just my pit hair, that’s a part of me.”

“It’s all a part of you. Just like fingernails but we groom them so we don’t turn into wild animals.”

“Fatin! Let Toni keep her pit hair,” Rachel defended and Toni smiled at her, tossing the razor her way. “Thanks.”

“You can go first,” Toni decided and Fatin rolled her eyes but immediately began making a pile of sand for their _“exfoliation treatments”_. Toni tried not to enjoy it too much but it silly and fun and very much needed. 

Fatin had sand all over Toni’s face when Dot, Martha, and Shelby walked up, dropping a basket full of fruit out beside them. The smell lured Nora and Leah who took some of the rotten bits to use for paint and left before anyone could convince them to participate in the spa experience. Rachel was running her hands across her newly smooth skin when Shelby squatted down next to Toni and dumped a handful of sand sloppily across her face. 

She let out a cough and squirmed until she was sitting up and Fatin slapped Shelby’s arm. 

“This is serious, Shelby!” Fatin reprimanded. Shelby’s hands went up in surrender. Toni bit down a smile but let herself laugh. 

“Me next, me next!” Dot chimed in, taking Fatin’s attention away from Toni and suddenly it felt like it was just Toni and Shelby on the beach. 

“Hey,” Toni whispered, though it had been over a week since they had come out to the other girls. 

“Hey you,” Shelby grinned, bending down to give Toni’s lips a quick peck and then finally took a real seat in the sand beside her. Toni let Shelby’s arms guide her so her head was securely in Shelby’s lap. Martha was the only one who paid attention to it and sent the two a smile before shifting her own focus to Fatin and Dot to help with Dot’s facial. 

Toni reach out to the basket and grabbed a small handful of berries, plopping two in her mouth and reach out her arm to press one against Shelby’s lips. 

Something deep inside of Toni wanted to say _I love you_ , and maybe if they were alone she would. Maybe not. It was still super fucking soon to say that. But then again, they spent just about every minute together just waiting for starvation to kick in or a storm to hit too hard. Everything about this was different and the rules didn’t really matter here. Still, that was too vulnerable and scary a thing to say when they were surrounded by the others. Instead, Toni curled further into Shelby’s side and let herself be held as she laughed alongside her seven favorite people in the world—well, five for the moment because Nora and Leah were in their own little world by the fire. 

“Do you think we’ll be rescued before Christmas?” Dot asked suddenly she and Fatin rubbed sand gently into Martha’s skin. Fatin stopped momentarily but continued on, the other girls quiet and listening. Shelby ran a hand through Toni’s hair. 

“I hope so,” Rachel said softly but unhopefully. 

“Me too,” Martha agreed. 

“Sorry to put like a downer on things. I actually thought that if we were home by that point maybe we could all celebrate Christmas together. Like you could stay with Fatin and I in Los Angeles.”

Fatin cheered and Shelby laughed. 

“I think you mean, all of us celebrate together in the apartment we all share because we’re never going to be apart again,” Shelby hummed and Toni wanted to put a pause on the world and savor this moment. It was all happening too fast, the days too long but flashing and spinning around her like wind. It was going to be over before she knew it and people never stick to their promises. 

“I love you guys,” Toni said, because it was true and because it included Shelby. The other must have noticed it was a deeper statement than what was on the surface because her arm tightened around Toni, and she nestled against Shelby’s forearm. 

“I fucking love you guys too,” Dot added firmly, voice wet with emotions. 

“Shit, don’t make me cry Dottie,” Fatin whined but looped her arms around Dot and Martha. 

“Fuck this island, but at least it brought us together,” Rachel agreed. 

“It’s not so bad, the island,” Martha commented. “Really. I mean, look at us.” She motioned her arms around at their spa circle and to where Nora had fallen asleep against Leah in the distance. 

“Not bad at all,” Shelby agreed, pressing a kiss to Toni’s forehead. “I’m serious, you know.”

“So are we, Shelbs,” Toni answered, holding tightly to Shelby’s hands and digging the tips of her toes into the sand to keep them warm from the gusts of wind kicking in from the water. Shelby’s heat radiated through her body but it didn’t account for frozen toes. 

“It’s not like any of us are tied to where we live. I can’t swim at school.”

“I can’t go back to an empty house.”

“I can’t go home either,” Martha agreed.

“I can’t go back at least until I’m eighteen and my parents can’t send me away.”

“Or send me to conversion therapy,” Shelby added quietly. Toni squeezed her hand, wishing it were possible to completely intertwine with a person so she would hold every inch of Shelby in her arms and keep her safe from the rest of the world. 

“I’ve got nothing to go home too, not if Marty won’t be there.”

“So it’s settled,” Dot stated. “We get a house together, or an apartment or whatever we can afford. We stick together no matter what.”

“No matter what.”

**Author's Note:**

> part two will be coming soon, possibly more parts than that but it will likely be just two. thanks for reading :)


End file.
